What have I been doing for the last couple of years? Mostly I've been avoiding anything that requires emotional effort. I've been mentally coasting, enjoying being single, with the occasional fling to remind me I was still alive. I was also really getting into the selfishness that you can only have if you're single.

Have you ever thought that you knew what you wanted, only to find out you were wrong? Sucks, doesn't it? That's where I am now. Recently my emotions seem to have rejoined the land of the living. It was easier when they were hibernating. I have a vague yearning for something I didn't think I wanted.

All this brings to mind a scene in "The Mirror Has Two Faces." Barbara Streisand is asking why anyone would want to fall in love when it always seems to end so badly. No one gets the answer she's looking for, so she answers her own question, "Because it feels so fucking good when you do it."

She's got a point. I remember that feeling. And it did feel good. Every now and then, when someone out of the ordinary comes along, I think I might possibly be feeling it again. I guess it's about time. It's been five years since I was in love.

I'm still not sure I want a relationship. I haven't much missed having one over the last several years. I was too busy to have time for one. But lately I find myself thinking that it might be nice to have someone around on a regular basis. A lot of the men I know keep asking me why I'm single. I guess that could be taken as kind of a compliment. After all, if your guy friends don't know why you're single, there can't be anything obviously wrong with you.

Then, there is the other side of things. Do I want a relationship for the right reasons, or just to avoid being dateless on Saturday night? It's been a long time since I've not been able to do what I want, and I'm not sure that I'm ready to make compromises. And, of course, there is my fear of commitment. I know it's supposed to be a guy thing, but I have suffered from it all my life. Hmmm, maybe a casual relationship would be the right way to slowly get back into the game. No implied commitments, no moving in and playing house, no rush. It's a possibility.

I guess I'll have to see who's out there and what my options are. Wish me luck...