It's always polyamory versus swinging, or swinging versus polyamory every time you see it, isn't it? As if to say one must be better than the other, the two lifestyles couldn't have anything in common, and must be mutually exclusive, although there seem to be a large number of people enjoying aspects of both lifestyles at the same time.

Every now and then among the poly people I know on-line and in real life, I see signs of what seems to be polyamory superiority directed toward swingers. "Do they know there's a difference between swinging and being poly?" "We're not swingers, we're poly." And that superiority pushes a few buttons for me, since I've been known to align myself with both groups.

For all I know the same thing goes on among people that identify as swingers, and they sneer at the polys. I've never run into it, so I can't say for sure whether or not it happens. Most of the swingers of my personal acquaintance, as well as some of those I've only met on-line, have been nice, honest folks, concerned with open and honest communication in their relationships. I've met some good friends through swinging, people who were interested in more than just having sex with me with no emotional involvement.

Most polys tend to look at the differences instead of the similarities between swinging and polyamory. I'm going to focus on the similarities. We'll start with the term responsible non-monogamy. Both polyamory and swinging fall under that category. Both groups try for honest and open communication with all their partners. Both groups have an idea of what they want and need, and respect their partner's boundaries. Both groups try to work through any problems that arise without getting angry and walking away.

Polyamory is generally held to have a deeper emotional bond than swinging. My experiences with swinging have lead me to believe that most couples that are swingers tend to settle down with a one or more other couples or singles that they're fond of and stick to that circle for their swinging activities. Very similar to the poly intimate network model, in fact. The level of the emotional bond may not be the same, but it certainly seems to be at least the equivalent of a tertiary partner, or a casual secondary.

Okay, so if I go out for a night of swinging, the couple I spend it with are probably not going to invite me to spend the rest of my life with them. Since they never said they would, and it's not what I want, either, that's okay with me. They've been honest about what they expected and what they were willing to agree to. And in view of that, the annoyance I feel when people bash swingers is justified. They're being honest about what they want and need, and it seems pretty judgmental to say that just because what they want is not what you want that you are automatically better than them. There are differences, but they are diversities, not faults.

All of the above is based on my personal experience. I know there are people out there that don't fit the profile I've drawn, both swingers and polys. Sure, there are swingers who's only interest is having sex with as many people as possible, but I've seen that flavor of irresponsible promiscuity in both poly and monogamous people as well. There are always going to be a mixture of types in any group you find. One of my earliest experiences with swinging was a couple with the above goal. Fortunately I'd met some of the other type as well, and didn't let it color my entire view of swinging. I've met some wonderful poly folks, as well as a few that seemed to miss the "responsible" in responsible non-monogamy. Swinging and polyamory mostly have more in common than not, and the differences are often not what people think they are.